Invincible Summer

Earlier this month I joined Toastmasters. If you are not familiar with Toastmasters it is an organization that helps people with their communication skills at its very basic definition. It really is so much more than that and I'm very excited about being a member. Everyone is there for the same reason and each person takes an active part in the bi-weekly meetings from giving a planned or impromptu speech to members taking turns evaluating one another and learning the various jobs that are involved in the meeting positions. I can see so many possible benefits for being a part of an organization such as this. A few benefits that I can think of would be: enhancing self-esteem, speaking skills, communication, listening, leadership, giving and receiving evaluations, responsibility, accountability, meeting new friends and community members...like I said I'm really excited about this new venture. It is really outside of my comfort level but is something I've heard about for years and always wanted to do. I have spoken to groups in the past and have enjoyed it but that was a few years ago and nothing like what I'm experiencing (or will be experiencing) now. I've never given timed speeches or been formally critiqued. I've also not given many of the different types I'll be required to give through the following "Toastmaster year". Additionally there is always a person who holds the role of Grammarian each week and points out any grammatical faux pas as well as "speaking fluff" like "ummms" and "ahhhs" to every person who speaks during the evening. That in itself is very intimidating to me because I am not good at grammar at all. In fact I (not gramatically correct) SUCK at grammar! *smile* I love to write and can't stand grammar! I just know God really has a sense of humor! Grammar...I just don't "get it!". It's not my thing. In fact as you read my blogs, if you are an English major (or minor!) or grammarian by nature then you will either laugh or cry at my naked unedited writing. I'm 100% certain that there is at least one grammar error. At least. At the very least. *smile*

So anyways, tonight I gave my first speech at the Toastmasters meeting in front of my fellow Toastmasters. It was a timed speech required to last from 4 to 6 minutes. I was very nervous walking to the podium and my hands were "convulsing" before I started but things went very well. In fact they went so well that I'm happy to say that I won a first place ribbon for "best speaker"! I'm so psyched! It's not in my nature to brag. Now I can feel comfortable to blog!

When I first developed my icebreaker speech I had to write it out completely. That's just "how I do" :-) When giving the speech I obviously didn't have it written out and spoke with bullets or "memory joggers". Since I obviously kept the written out version I figured I'd share it here for anyone interested. If your not interested just pretend and celebrate with me this special evening and personal achievement for me!! The speech was required to be about me. It is as follows:

Invincible Summer

Thank you Madame Toastmaster and fellow toastmasters

I recently attended a college graduation. As I looked at all the students preparing to pursue their dreams I started to wonder how they will react when some people offer discouragement instead of encouragement. Would they give up their dreams? What about myself, how have I responded to challenges in my own life? I came across a quote that I think adequately answers that question. It’s a quote by Albert Camus. It says:
In the middle of winter, I have discovered in me an invincible summer.

Let me explain...

I grew up in Vermont as the little sister of three older brothers. Growing up as the baby girl in a house of mostly men I had to work extra hard at being heard or taken seriously. Most of the replies to my ideas or desires were met with “You’re too young to understand” or “you can’t do that”. You’d think that after hearing this over and over again I would become discouraged. Instead it created in me a drive to do the things I really wanted to do despite what others thought. If I had a passion for something, despite what my brothers said, my teenage response with all its infinite wisdom would be: “Humph. Yes I can.”

At fifteen I met a boy in high school two years my senior. When he gave me a promise ring a year later no one took it seriously. “I was too young to understand”. We continued dating until he went away to the military for a couple of years during which time we became engaged. We were told long distance relationships don’t work. When I was 18 I graduated high school and we married. “Instead of encouragement we were told it wouldn’t last. We didn’t understand what we were getting into. We were too young.” It’s been almost 24 years since my high school sweetheart and I walked down the isle. When we are reminded of the struggles and people who discouraged us I sometimes smile to myself and think: “Humph. Together we can.”

The military took us immediately to the south and when I re-entered the work force I quickly saw that the positions I wanted either required a degree or were 95% male where we lived. I knew the jobs I wanted to pursue but again heard from those around me: “you’re too young. You need a degree. You can’t do that.” With dedication and hard work I found myself a few years later at work on the military bases working on computer training systems. My professional career had me working along side retired and active military officers. I worked everything from security investigations to training analyst. When I decided to leave the work force I closed the door to my office having achieved what I set forth to do. I felt fulfilled and thought to myself: “Humpph. Yes, I did.”

Most of my life I have had to struggle with an anxiety disorder that surfaced when I was 17 years old. Its presence devoured my freedom and at its worst restricted me from staying alone, driving a car, or being able to walk to the mailbox. I became house bound for a time as I dealt with what is known as Agoraphobia. This anxiety disorder told me without words that I was going to live a restricted life. And I did for awhile. But the harsh season couldn’t continue forever. Like the quote says I found in me an invincible summer. And slowly I began the process which continues on today as I face each day as a new challenge. With a lot of work and determination I regained back control of my life. And to help others facing the same challenge I set out on a dream to write a book about my experiences that others could look to for hope and encouragement. It took 20 years of experience and four years to write but with persistence I am a now a first time author. My book will be available before the end of this year.

I’m not exactly certain why I have developed a determination to pursue my goals despite the odds. I’d like to blame some of it on my brothers… because blaming them is something I also learned growing up. But regardless my past experiences have helped me with my actions today with my own family. Growing up with three brothers I felt ready to handle raising our own three boys. As they have voiced their passions in life I have learned that I want to be one of the encouraging people in life that says: “Yes you can. Go get your dream!” When they have obstacles in life I want to be the one that says: “Keep going. You can either overcome it or go around it.” Sadly however I have also learned that in addition to these truths, rarely do I ever hear the words “your too young” now. In fact when I don’t act my age, which is the majority of the time, and one of my children rolls their eyes and gives me that look that says: “mom, you can’t act that way!”. I now smile and look at them and say: “humph. Yes I can!”

Through The Window

Well by the encouragement of both old and new friends I now officially enter the world of blogdom. A digital space located somewhere between reality and virtual existence visible to all through a computer. How cool is that?

Speaking of visibility - I have right now outside my window a nest of Robin's eggs. Four of them to be exact. They are blue and are so beautiful they look unreal. In fact take a look at them for yourself. I've taken a picture of them for you to see. In fact all of the pictures on this page, including the window, are mine.

It wasn't but two weeks ago I had watched three other baby Robins in the exact same nest fly for the first time. Prior to their flights I had watched them being fed and taken care of. I had the perfect view. The shrub has a little clearing that is large enough for me to have a picture perfect view of the entire nest immediately outside the window. It has been an awesome experience to glimpse inside their birdy home and see what is happening.

I wonder if God is fascinated with us as well as He peers at us from His perfect view into our "family nests"? What does He think as He watches the family’s interaction within? Does He see a nurturing mother? A providing father? Are the kids secure and well taken care of? We know He watches as His word says even His eye is on the sparrow...so I know He watches me. He watches us. Is He delighted from His perspective?

We sometimes forget that we have a God who watches us not only physically but internally as He also has a window to our soul. He sees everything about us, everything within us. Our minds, our hearts, our past, present, and future. He sees it all. Have you ever stopped to really think about that? There is nothing that we can hide from him. That's both amazing and yet...discomforting... when we realize He has a perfect view of each one of us. Do we live as though He is always watching? I confess that I do not always. When I stop to really think about that I wish sometimes there was a way I could cover our "nest" so that it would occasionally be hidden from His view. Cover myself so that my imperfections cannot be seen. So my failures won't be so visible. But unlike the bird's nest outside my window there are no leaves to hide His view. And when you think of it...really think of it...that's an amazing thing. Because we have something better than leaves. We have something that doesn't block His view but it alters it. We have something to cover us that allows Him to see us with pure adoration. He doesn't see my imperfections. He sees me through His plans. He sees me as His child. Forgiven. Beautiful. Perfect. Why? Because I'm covered through the sacrifice of a Savior on a cross who died not for His own failings - but for mine. For each persons. Unlike a tree branch that could block a view, we have a covering that doesn't block or separate us. Instead the covering transforms His vision. His covering is like a warm blanket of His love that He uses to come closer to us. So close that there is nothing that separates us from Him. Nothing. No window. No glass. And no veil. The veil that once separated us was torn from top to bottom, from heaven to Earth, from God's own hand as it reached down to where we are.

As much as I appreciate the life that I see happening through my window, as precious as it is, I watch it from behind a glass and distorted screen. My very presence frightens and disturbs their nest and home. In contrast, I do not need to be frightened as my God peers into my life. And I have to say I'm so very glad that that nothing separates me from God. I am covered. As He gazes on me and our families nest He sees us as His own. And how amazed I am that not only does He care for the little birds outside my window, He also cares for me. What an amazing God! Now I have to ask again... how cool is that!?

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By the way...if you would like to use any of these pictures they are free for your use as long as you let me know where my birdies "travel around the world" and how they are used. I'd love to here of their journies!!!
Tammi / e-mail me at: emergingbutterfly@comcast.net

www.emergingbutterfly.net