Shoo! You're a pest! Shoo!

You have one. We all have one. Some are louder than others, some are better controlled, but regardless if heard in a mild or strong voice the fact remains - they are annoying. You know it. I know it. It’s the incessant chatter of the inner critic. Don’t confuse it. It’s not the voice of common sense. Common sense is there for positive effect. It’s a gentle reminder to check your footing before your next step. This voice is opposite. Always. This voice will paralyze you from even considering taking a step. You might get to a point where you decide to take a shaky step forward and then this voice will be quick to trip you in the process. It’s never helpful. It’s the negative, destructive, counter productive inner critic. It’s objective? To snuff out dreams, encourage us not to try, shout lies to fill your mind, and leave you questioning everything good about yourself. It has a memory that only recalls every negative ever said about you. It forgets nothing derrogatory about you. This voice can speak so loud it’s all you hear and you are deafened to anything else. The inner critic. There is nothing positive that comes from it. It’s goals you may recall from another: to steal, kill, and destroy. Sound familiar? Given a moment of your attention it can steal your opportunities, kill your dreams, and destroy your self worth and any happiness you could have or that you could give. You would think we would recognize its goals and and tune out this voice. Give it no merit. But we don’t. We give it attention that it doesn’t deserve and often crumble our dreams in its presence. We give up before we even try. We give it leadership in our lives when really we should be countering it with truth. We should be thinking on what is true… honorable…fair…. pure… acceptable… commendable… praiseworthy… oh wait. Do these words sound familiar as well? They should. Are we following the wrong leader by listening to our inner critic? Ashamedly I often do. To be honest I’d never really thought of it as a spiritual battle before. But it is. Do we listen to slimy hisses of the “serpent”… or do we listen to the soft gentle encouraging voice of God? Do we accept the lies or do we accept the truth? Do we follow the destroyer or the Creator? The critic or the Master Artist? Who has our attention when we want to try new things, explore our talents, expand our joy?

Our women’s writing group, Reflective Souls, gave us a writing prompt for an activity. The prompt was to write a letter to our inner critic. This activity was what made me really think about the origins of the inner critic. There really is nothing good that ever results from it. Now that I’m aware of this and pulled off the mask from the unseen face I see it for all it’s naked value. None. It has no value or worth to me. For this reason do not expect a pleasant letter to follow. It deserves no courteousness and certainly no more attention. What about your inner critic? Is it time to pull the blinders off and see it in it’s true worthless form? Write a letter to your inner critic. Let’s speak louder and put the critic in the backseat for a change.

Letter to my inner critic:

You energy-sapping, whiny, destructive little pest! I recognize you now for who you are. You are NOTHING! How dare you tell me all the things I cannot do. All the dreams I cannot obtain. All the ways that I will fail. You liar!! I can’t believe that I’ve listened to you for so many years. Why did I even give you a second of my attention!? Why did I give you such power and control over my life?! I couldn’t see you for what you are: a worthless slime-ball with nothing to offer. You are a life-sucking, anxiety-producing, kill-joy. I offer no apologies for my despise of you. How many things could have been accomplished if I had paid no attention to your voice in the past? Who could I have helped? What could I have done?

Now I know. Now I know better. As of today you hold me captive no longer. I don’t want to hear your voice any more. When you speak you will be talking to the hand! I have no time for you. You don’t deserve a second of attention. You can talk but you won’t be heard. I have another voice. A true voice that I can follow. You spoke so loud before I couldn’t hear it. I thought I was listening to truth. But now I know better. You are a thief. You are a liar. You are a destroyer. You are a botherson, sniveling, conniving, wicked, annoyance. You are welcome no longer. You have no place here. You have no value and no worth any longer. You’ve been found out and you don’t belong here any more. Shoo away pest! Shoo!! It is what I will tell you from now on whenever I hear your voice: “Shoo! You’re a pest! Shoo!”


John 10:10-11
"Satan comes to steal, kill, and destroy; I came to give life and give it more abundantly. I am the good shepherd; the good shepherd lays down His life for the sheep."
-Jesus

Phil 4:8
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is fair, whatever is pure, whatever is acceptable, whatever is commendable, if there is anything of excellence and if there is anything praiseworthy-keep thinking about these things.

Who Will Tell Them?

Recently I saw a photo entitled “Turning Point” taken by photographer Keith Trepanier. It was of a man outside in the town of Panajachel kneeling against the closed large doors of a church building. The photo stirred my heart and inspired me to write the following. I cannot help but feel that God is speaking to me directly about a decision I became faced with today that I have been in prayer for since seeking guidance. I believe through these words that He gave me He has also provided me the answer I have been seeking and the ministry opportunity that I need to follow.

Who will tell them?

There are people outside the church, just beyond the doors, seeking answers to their lives. Maybe even purpose. Looking for hope. Desperate for love. Thirsting for acceptance. But they are afraid to go inside. Unwilling or unable to bring themselves to go beyond the door. Why? What have they seen before when they have ventured beyond other doors in life? Judging looks…rejection…cruel words…seats of shame…judgments of guilt? Yet God welcomes all and offers grace. His door is open to all. It is welcome to all. Who will tell them?

Why do they not come in on their own? Is it because we have blurred with the world so much that one cannot tell which side of the door they are on; whether they are in the church or of the world? Are we holy as in “set apart from the world” or are we just set apart. Far apart. From certain people that don’t look, act, or think as we feel they should. How do they look from God’s perspective? His eyes see them through the reflection of the cross. He looks with adoration. He bids all to come inside. Yet they wait. Maybe they just don’t know. Who will tell them?

Do they know what possibilities are prepared and lay waiting beyond their current view? The plans and future God is waiting to fulfill in and through the willing heart? What are they looking for or seeing? Do they see with their eyes a church of stone and mortar or an unseen church built with blood and tears that is freely entered through the faith of a cross and stands strong and faithful beyond all time? Do they know the truth? Who will tell them?

Just beyond the door lies broken lives, crumbled dreams, thoughts filled with the soot of depression. Pain, guilt, grief, shame, anger, sadness, and illusions of grandeur. Have you noticed them there? Do you see them as you pass by every day? God sees them. He yearns for them to walk through that door. He stands vigil and waits ready at a moments notice to embrace them. Do they know? Who will tell them?

A Piece of My Heart...

Today I met with my new friend Kim(berly?) at lunch. She is a person who "gets it". Although we both struggle with different situations from different places we continue to share many things in common. We both know what it feels like to be judged without being understood or known...to struggle...and to have hopes crushed. We also know what it feels like to reach out and share a little of ourselves with someone only to have it discarded and rejected. Why is it that people can sometimes respond so thoughtlessly? Do they realize it when they do it? I really hope they do not. But then I'm reminded of Christ and what He went through. No one really "got it" when He was trying to prepare them for what was soon to happen. He asked for support from his disciples as He prayed but they couldn't even support Him long enough to stay awake. He felt such heavy emotion that He sweat drops of blood. Yet did anyone come along side Him? Where was everyone during His time of need? When He faced accusations and abuse...He was met with denial. From His enemy? No...His disciple and friend. When He was nailed to the cross He recieved mockery and accusations. Should we really be so suprised when people let us down too?

But we are. We expect better. Especially from other Christians. Surely they will always "get it" right? Unfortunately no. The sad part is the same can be said of each one of us. Including me. There are times I have not "gotten it". There are times I will not "get it". Why? Because I'm human. We're human. We fail, we are sometimes blind, we can sometimes fail to see what is clearly right in front of us. Just like the people who waited for their King when He was walking right in their midst. Who is walking in our midst each day that we aren't really taking the time to notice? Is God trying to get our attention and we fail to listen? Who is in pain right in front of us that we fail to see? When we are asked to come along side someone during their times of need...do we offer lip service and then fall asleep on the job?

May God lift the scales from my eyes and help me to see with His. Help me to see what is in front of me. To guide me in my response and replace my human touch with His own.
~
I’ve tried to put into words how it feels for someone who has an anxiety disorder to have to share with another their personal struggles. I hope some of it has been captured below:

For me to share with you my personal struggles is like taking a piece of my heart and placing it in your hands temporarily. How you react to it and what you do with it in these moments will impact me when you give it back.

Will you disregard it as if you hold something of no value? This can be done by disregarding my words to you, my struggles, and experiences. By thinking it’s all in my head or no big deal. An over-reaction. Belittling me and my struggles or mistreating me like a little child. You don’t respect me, my feelings, what I say. You return part of my heart a little harder and a little less efficient. It’s put back in place like a brick into a wall. Hardened.

Will you laugh at it and toss it around as if what you hold were not fragile? This can be done with words crudely designed as jokes and teasing about my struggles. The words you say to me and also to others – they get back. I hear them. The information was for you alone and was not to be carelessly played with and handled with disregard. You don’t honor me. You return part of my heart broken. I glue it back into place but still can feel its cracks. I’m afraid to remove it again.

Will you take it and try to fix it yourself? Tell me what you would do or do differently? Push and pull me with your own rigid ideas of anxiety CPR? Will you try to force it into a cookie cutter mold so you can show others what “you made”? Do you look down on me and think your better? Do you think of me as less of a person? You forget its part of me and I have a say in what is done. I asked you to share with me, not perform open-heart surgery without consent. You return the piece of my heart drained and misshapen. It’s put in place and locked in for safe-keeping.

Will you take it and not know what to do with it so out of uneasiness quickly toss it back? I share but you say nothing at all, pretend it didn’t happen, and avoid wanting to touch it again as if it were dirty or infectious. Will you look at me now with pity (or fear?) or go the other way because you don’t understand and yet – you don’t want to know? You return a piece of my heart torn. I put it back in place but it hurts. I don’t want anyone else to touch it and make it worse. I tuck it safely away.

Will you take it and handle it with care? Honored you were trusted enough that I would try and share with you? Will you accept me as I am now but be supportive of what I want to become tomorrow? Listen and encourage me towards what I can do to accomplish short and long term goals? Become the best I can be? Will you be honest with me but always with love? You return a piece of my heart overflowing that when I place it back in its spot there is no choice but for it to reach into other parts and slowly trickle life back into them. You help to heal me, encourage me to become whole, and the best I can be.

Invincible Summer

Earlier this month I joined Toastmasters. If you are not familiar with Toastmasters it is an organization that helps people with their communication skills at its very basic definition. It really is so much more than that and I'm very excited about being a member. Everyone is there for the same reason and each person takes an active part in the bi-weekly meetings from giving a planned or impromptu speech to members taking turns evaluating one another and learning the various jobs that are involved in the meeting positions. I can see so many possible benefits for being a part of an organization such as this. A few benefits that I can think of would be: enhancing self-esteem, speaking skills, communication, listening, leadership, giving and receiving evaluations, responsibility, accountability, meeting new friends and community members...like I said I'm really excited about this new venture. It is really outside of my comfort level but is something I've heard about for years and always wanted to do. I have spoken to groups in the past and have enjoyed it but that was a few years ago and nothing like what I'm experiencing (or will be experiencing) now. I've never given timed speeches or been formally critiqued. I've also not given many of the different types I'll be required to give through the following "Toastmaster year". Additionally there is always a person who holds the role of Grammarian each week and points out any grammatical faux pas as well as "speaking fluff" like "ummms" and "ahhhs" to every person who speaks during the evening. That in itself is very intimidating to me because I am not good at grammar at all. In fact I (not gramatically correct) SUCK at grammar! *smile* I love to write and can't stand grammar! I just know God really has a sense of humor! Grammar...I just don't "get it!". It's not my thing. In fact as you read my blogs, if you are an English major (or minor!) or grammarian by nature then you will either laugh or cry at my naked unedited writing. I'm 100% certain that there is at least one grammar error. At least. At the very least. *smile*

So anyways, tonight I gave my first speech at the Toastmasters meeting in front of my fellow Toastmasters. It was a timed speech required to last from 4 to 6 minutes. I was very nervous walking to the podium and my hands were "convulsing" before I started but things went very well. In fact they went so well that I'm happy to say that I won a first place ribbon for "best speaker"! I'm so psyched! It's not in my nature to brag. Now I can feel comfortable to blog!

When I first developed my icebreaker speech I had to write it out completely. That's just "how I do" :-) When giving the speech I obviously didn't have it written out and spoke with bullets or "memory joggers". Since I obviously kept the written out version I figured I'd share it here for anyone interested. If your not interested just pretend and celebrate with me this special evening and personal achievement for me!! The speech was required to be about me. It is as follows:

Invincible Summer

Thank you Madame Toastmaster and fellow toastmasters

I recently attended a college graduation. As I looked at all the students preparing to pursue their dreams I started to wonder how they will react when some people offer discouragement instead of encouragement. Would they give up their dreams? What about myself, how have I responded to challenges in my own life? I came across a quote that I think adequately answers that question. It’s a quote by Albert Camus. It says:
In the middle of winter, I have discovered in me an invincible summer.

Let me explain...

I grew up in Vermont as the little sister of three older brothers. Growing up as the baby girl in a house of mostly men I had to work extra hard at being heard or taken seriously. Most of the replies to my ideas or desires were met with “You’re too young to understand” or “you can’t do that”. You’d think that after hearing this over and over again I would become discouraged. Instead it created in me a drive to do the things I really wanted to do despite what others thought. If I had a passion for something, despite what my brothers said, my teenage response with all its infinite wisdom would be: “Humph. Yes I can.”

At fifteen I met a boy in high school two years my senior. When he gave me a promise ring a year later no one took it seriously. “I was too young to understand”. We continued dating until he went away to the military for a couple of years during which time we became engaged. We were told long distance relationships don’t work. When I was 18 I graduated high school and we married. “Instead of encouragement we were told it wouldn’t last. We didn’t understand what we were getting into. We were too young.” It’s been almost 24 years since my high school sweetheart and I walked down the isle. When we are reminded of the struggles and people who discouraged us I sometimes smile to myself and think: “Humph. Together we can.”

The military took us immediately to the south and when I re-entered the work force I quickly saw that the positions I wanted either required a degree or were 95% male where we lived. I knew the jobs I wanted to pursue but again heard from those around me: “you’re too young. You need a degree. You can’t do that.” With dedication and hard work I found myself a few years later at work on the military bases working on computer training systems. My professional career had me working along side retired and active military officers. I worked everything from security investigations to training analyst. When I decided to leave the work force I closed the door to my office having achieved what I set forth to do. I felt fulfilled and thought to myself: “Humpph. Yes, I did.”

Most of my life I have had to struggle with an anxiety disorder that surfaced when I was 17 years old. Its presence devoured my freedom and at its worst restricted me from staying alone, driving a car, or being able to walk to the mailbox. I became house bound for a time as I dealt with what is known as Agoraphobia. This anxiety disorder told me without words that I was going to live a restricted life. And I did for awhile. But the harsh season couldn’t continue forever. Like the quote says I found in me an invincible summer. And slowly I began the process which continues on today as I face each day as a new challenge. With a lot of work and determination I regained back control of my life. And to help others facing the same challenge I set out on a dream to write a book about my experiences that others could look to for hope and encouragement. It took 20 years of experience and four years to write but with persistence I am a now a first time author. My book will be available before the end of this year.

I’m not exactly certain why I have developed a determination to pursue my goals despite the odds. I’d like to blame some of it on my brothers… because blaming them is something I also learned growing up. But regardless my past experiences have helped me with my actions today with my own family. Growing up with three brothers I felt ready to handle raising our own three boys. As they have voiced their passions in life I have learned that I want to be one of the encouraging people in life that says: “Yes you can. Go get your dream!” When they have obstacles in life I want to be the one that says: “Keep going. You can either overcome it or go around it.” Sadly however I have also learned that in addition to these truths, rarely do I ever hear the words “your too young” now. In fact when I don’t act my age, which is the majority of the time, and one of my children rolls their eyes and gives me that look that says: “mom, you can’t act that way!”. I now smile and look at them and say: “humph. Yes I can!”

Through The Window

Well by the encouragement of both old and new friends I now officially enter the world of blogdom. A digital space located somewhere between reality and virtual existence visible to all through a computer. How cool is that?

Speaking of visibility - I have right now outside my window a nest of Robin's eggs. Four of them to be exact. They are blue and are so beautiful they look unreal. In fact take a look at them for yourself. I've taken a picture of them for you to see. In fact all of the pictures on this page, including the window, are mine.

It wasn't but two weeks ago I had watched three other baby Robins in the exact same nest fly for the first time. Prior to their flights I had watched them being fed and taken care of. I had the perfect view. The shrub has a little clearing that is large enough for me to have a picture perfect view of the entire nest immediately outside the window. It has been an awesome experience to glimpse inside their birdy home and see what is happening.

I wonder if God is fascinated with us as well as He peers at us from His perfect view into our "family nests"? What does He think as He watches the family’s interaction within? Does He see a nurturing mother? A providing father? Are the kids secure and well taken care of? We know He watches as His word says even His eye is on the sparrow...so I know He watches me. He watches us. Is He delighted from His perspective?

We sometimes forget that we have a God who watches us not only physically but internally as He also has a window to our soul. He sees everything about us, everything within us. Our minds, our hearts, our past, present, and future. He sees it all. Have you ever stopped to really think about that? There is nothing that we can hide from him. That's both amazing and yet...discomforting... when we realize He has a perfect view of each one of us. Do we live as though He is always watching? I confess that I do not always. When I stop to really think about that I wish sometimes there was a way I could cover our "nest" so that it would occasionally be hidden from His view. Cover myself so that my imperfections cannot be seen. So my failures won't be so visible. But unlike the bird's nest outside my window there are no leaves to hide His view. And when you think of it...really think of it...that's an amazing thing. Because we have something better than leaves. We have something that doesn't block His view but it alters it. We have something to cover us that allows Him to see us with pure adoration. He doesn't see my imperfections. He sees me through His plans. He sees me as His child. Forgiven. Beautiful. Perfect. Why? Because I'm covered through the sacrifice of a Savior on a cross who died not for His own failings - but for mine. For each persons. Unlike a tree branch that could block a view, we have a covering that doesn't block or separate us. Instead the covering transforms His vision. His covering is like a warm blanket of His love that He uses to come closer to us. So close that there is nothing that separates us from Him. Nothing. No window. No glass. And no veil. The veil that once separated us was torn from top to bottom, from heaven to Earth, from God's own hand as it reached down to where we are.

As much as I appreciate the life that I see happening through my window, as precious as it is, I watch it from behind a glass and distorted screen. My very presence frightens and disturbs their nest and home. In contrast, I do not need to be frightened as my God peers into my life. And I have to say I'm so very glad that that nothing separates me from God. I am covered. As He gazes on me and our families nest He sees us as His own. And how amazed I am that not only does He care for the little birds outside my window, He also cares for me. What an amazing God! Now I have to ask again... how cool is that!?

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By the way...if you would like to use any of these pictures they are free for your use as long as you let me know where my birdies "travel around the world" and how they are used. I'd love to here of their journies!!!
Tammi / e-mail me at: emergingbutterfly@comcast.net

www.emergingbutterfly.net